We'd Be Held
Today is my sweet, charismatic, and loving (most of the time) son's 9th birthday. Seriously, I don't know how he can already be nine...years...old. Cray bae. Regardless, he is 9 today and I couldn't help but look through his pictures, tear up as I thought about the little 8lb baby I brought home to the 90lb baby - I mean - young man he is today.
Mac was prayed for before he was ever conceived - he was my miracle after a miscarriage. When I found out in January that I was going to have a baby just three months after I had to endure a D&C from my miscarriage, it was an answered prayer. I truly understood 1 Samuel 1:27 "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him."
But most importantly, the heartache of my miscarriage also helped me understand the next verse even more "So I have also dedicated him to the LORD; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the LORD." My first baby was taken by the Lord, he was a gift I didn't get to meet. I am definitely not the type of Christian that would tell you I understood God's purpose in that. I still don't. I think miscarriage still carries a shame because deep down as moms we feel we had to have done something - well I did have that glass of wine, maybe I had taken Sudafed before I knew I was pregnant, did I wear my jeggings too tight? All of these ridiculous thoughts come to your head even though your rational mind knows it just is, and God gives and He takes - well not takes, but allows. He allows. But the rational doesn't always win the battle within me - actually it rarely does. So even to this day I wonder what my first child would have been like - what the gender would be - the fact he would be 10 now.
But He allows, and in the allowance there is pain. In that pain you pray like Hannah did - please Lord - please bless me with a baby. The Lord blessed me three months after my miscarriage, and I found out I was pregnant with my sweet Mac. What joy, 1 Samuel 1:27 was close to my heart. Celebrations, happiness - all were apart of my prayers until Mac's 8th week of life and I start spotting. My prayers turned to quiet pleading with the Lord - oh please don't do this again. Why do You bless me to take him away again? And that is where the beauty of 1 Samuel 1:28 comes in - God has blessed you, but your child belongs to Him. Everything is His.
I was reminded of a passage from Job when Job is questioning God - why are these maladies falling on him? Why, when Job was a good man, did God allow his family to be killed and him to be plagued? The response is something I can envision myself saying to my kids, for those who haven't read Job 38-41 it is a good read. God basically tells Job, "Where were you when I made all of this and set everything in motion? Surely since you are questioning me you should know." And I was humbled, and I realized this child was, as Hannah put it, dedicated to the Lord.
Mac was mine, but before he was mine, he was His. God loved Mac more than I could, and God loved me more than I could fathom. Which is why I cannot listen to Natalie Grant's song "Held" without being reduced to tears to this day - I know I know. But really - especially on his birthday - I can't help but look at my perfect, sweet boy and be reminded that the ultimate Father knows what is best for all His children.
